ALL THIS TIME

After all this time, you would not believe the things I forgave you for. All the times you think why shouldn’t I just walk away? There was a lot you said, but I said some things too. There was too much history for me to just leave behind. But maybe I should have. It probably would have been easier.

 

How could you? I trusted you. I trusted you so completely that I put my whole world in your hands, thinking you would protect it. Thinking you would protect me. But you couldn’t, could you? You dropped it, wiping yourself clean of me. How foolish could I be to think after all this time, after all I’ve shared, you’d still be here. Maybe there were signs I should’ve seen. Something to tell me things weren’t right between us. Everything you did was purely selfish. You never cared about how I felt, only what benefited you. 

 

I was always given empty promises, with no one following through, no matter how big or small. I thought you were the same. Yet you managed to prove me wrong. It was no easy task to trust you, no matter how simple you tried to make it. Maybe that became the issue. It was too easy. And once you had my trust, it became something you exploited rather than preserved.

 

They say leopards never change their spots. I never quite grasped the full meaning behind that. But you made me realise it eventually. I started to see how you never really changed your spots. You just camouflaged them in different lighting, altering your appearance based on who was around. Even if I didn’t see through all your bullshit at the start, I certainly do now.

 

I started to learn to keep my mouth shut around you. These tiny seeds of doubt planted themselves deep in my head. I couldn’t trust you anymore. Things you said just didn’t add up right. You lied and changed your story depending on who was listening. It was easier to act the fool than speak up. It’s not like you would have admitted anything if I said something anyway. I kept my head down and stayed quiet. I knew one day you’d use something against me, so I was just making sure I wasn’t filling up your ammo. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you did have something more against me. Maybe I was a fool. 

 

You didn’t need me anymore, but you kept me around. I never knew why, but I’m guessing it was probably to rub everything in my face. Or maybe you thought you were doing me a favour, in your distorted mind. You felt good about yourself when you used me like your little puppet. You had me pick myself apart, piece by little piece as though it were for your entertainment. Maybe all along, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have tried to push you away like I did. If you had told me it was my fault, I would have believed it too.

 

I always wanted to make you feel like I was doing better than you. That you would have your karma served back to you. I never wanted you to be happy again, not when you made me hate myself. I wanted to replace you, to fill the hole you left behind, acting as though you were never there. Maybe it was out of embarrassment or maybe out of shame. I didn’t want to be the one doing worse, not when you are the reason I’m like this now. But then I realised that it wasn’t about me being better than you. Because I already was. Although you meant a lot to me, I think we both tried to hold on longer than our course was designed for. You’ll never have me back, because I managed to outgrow the insecurities you tried to tie me down with.

 

You’ll never read this, or maybe you will. It won’t change things though, because what’s done is done. I can’t go back to a time before you meant something to me. My life may be better now without you, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t parts of you that don’t still live within me. I’ve tried hard to cut those pieces out, carving away at the fragments that have latched on. But the harder I tried to get rid of them, the more they fought to stay. No matter what I do, I’ll never fully get rid of you. I didn’t want to accept that our paths were so closely intertwined, that we’d never really be free of each other. But it’s something we both have to live with.

 

It took some distance, and time, to realise you were never good for me. Although, that would be an understatement. I don’t believe you were ever a good person. You left me broken to my core. How could I ever trust anyone after you? I never needed you, but you certainly needed me. Without me, you would have no one to throw shit at to make yourself feel better. You always fell back onto me. But not anymore. It’s time for me to close that door, and walk away with the scars you left me with. I can’t help but think about you sometimes. Even if that door stays closed, it’s never been easy to forget you. I wonder if you think about me too after all this time. I don’t wish you anything bad in life, I just wish better for myself.